Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew (or occasionally need to be reminded about)

by Benison O'Reilly on Sunday, January 10th, 2010

I have mentioned before that I go through stages when I steer clear of books about autism. Sometimes it’s because of work commitments (I have two other writing projects at present) and sometimes it’s just because I want to read for pleasure.

Anyway I’m on holidays right now and decided, as penance for all my partying and overindulgence in December, to forgo the trashy novel and tackle an autism book that has been sitting on my bedside table for months, staring at me in an accusatory fashion, as if saying, ‘You bought me. Why don’t you read me?’

I don’t know why I kept avoiding it — it’s such a slim volume, a ‘knock it over in a couple of hours’ book.  It is, as you may well have guessed, Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew (Future Horizons, 2005), by American author and ASD mum Ellen Notbohm.

Well, I’ve read it now and can give it the big thumbs up.

My only qualification is this:  it’s liberally sprinkled with anecdotes of success relating to Ms Notbohm’s own son, who I have to say comes across at very high functioning, and I imagine this might grate for some parents of children with more profound disabilities. (It even grated a bit with me – it’s impossible not to compare). I’m sure many of her son’s achievements came about as a consequence of Ms Notbohm’s wonderful committed parenting, but I’ve known equally committed parents who have not been fortunate enough to witness these outcomes.  I think the book would be stronger if she used anecdotes showcasing a greater range of children to illustrate her points.

However, it’s a minor quibble.  It’s a warm hearted book from a warm hearted ASD mum, who preaches acceptance and understanding. In my opinion the most important of her ten ‘things’ are these:

• *I am first and foremost a child. I have autism. I am not primarily ‘autistic’.
• *Please remember to distinguish between won’t ( I choose not to) and can’t ( I am not able to).
• *Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can’t do.
• *If you are a family member please love me unconditionally.

I wish more parents and educators would embrace Ellen Notbohm’s philosophies, focusing more on what children with ASD ‘can-do’ instead of ‘can’t-do’.  The latter approach is probably setting many young people up for self-esteem problems.

Not that I’m claiming perfection on this point; on the contrary the book was a timely wake-up call for me after I lost my cool with Joe for being too scared to go on most of the rides at the (very expensive) fun park we attended the other day. When he insisted on playing 18 holes of minigolf in the baking sun before we left I should have celebrated his interest in and perseverance at the game, rather than grumble on about being hot and tired.

So, if like me you’re bit of a jaded ASD parent, I’d recommend you get hold of a copy of Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew to remind yourself what it’s all about. I’m planning to stick a couple of inspirational quotes on my fridge when I get home.

Tags: autism, Books, parenting